How to Win Arguments :: :: I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an :: argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and :: steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great :: respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. :: Simply follow these rules: :: :: * Drink Liquor. :: :: Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding :: on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're :: drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang :: back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls :: your date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover :: you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH :: of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights :: and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some :: may leave the room. :: :: * Make things up. :: :: Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove :: Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that :: YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch :: of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are :: underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars :: adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is :: $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." :: :: NOTE: Always make up exact figures. :: :: If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT :: up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study :: for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" :: Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left :: your soiled underwear in my bath house." :: :: * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases. :: :: Memorize this list: :: :: Let me put it this way :: In terms of :: Vis-a-vis :: Per se :: As it were :: Qua :: So to speak :: :: You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," :: "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do :: not." :: :: Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: :: :: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't :: have enough money." :: :: You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you :: say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis :: Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, :: so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. :: Q.E.D." :: :: Only a fool would challenge that statement. :: :: * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. :: :: You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back :: at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: :: :: You're begging the question. :: You're being defensive. :: Don't compare apples and oranges. :: What are your parameters? :: :: This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than :: mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. :: :: Here's how to use your comebacks: :: :: You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... :: Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865. :: You say You're begging the question. :: :: OR :: :: You say Liberians, like most Asians... :: Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa. :: You say You're being defensive. :: :: * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. :: :: This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously :: right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: :: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or :: "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." :: :: So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to :: pull any of this on people who carry weapons. ------- End of Forwarded Message