Horror Film Wisdom 1) When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. 2) If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately. 3) Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. 4) Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out. 5) If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not know, or if they speak using a voice other than their own, shoot them at once. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. Note: it's unlikely they'll die easy, so be prepared. 6) When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go it alone. 7) If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out. And if you're the gang's jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you're driving with them to the place. 8) As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. 10) If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life. 11) If appliances start operating by themselves, move out. 13) Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing. 14) If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you. 17) If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. 19) Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be. 20) Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because there's so much we can learn from them". 23) If a meteor strikes nearby, move out of town. 24) When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you'll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up. 27) Never have sex in the bunkbeds of recently renovated summer camps. 31) If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are A) either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or B) will not believe you and laugh at you. Either way, you must handle the problem yourself. 33) If you assist the villian of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other then death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villian wants as their own. 35) Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second. 36) When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone. 37) When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's dogmeat anyway. 38) When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's cat. 39) Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake) 40) If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON'T fall asleep, DON'T leave me, DON'T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding-psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines. 41) If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don't despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc. 42) If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you'll run out just before you kill the monster (unless your name is Ash, in which case, you'll never have to reload) 51) DO NOT go into the dark room. 53) While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone. 54) In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you've got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam. 55) If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable. 57) Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap. 58) If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you're supposed to be alone, don't follow the noises to see who your "guest" is. LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!! 59) Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you'll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object. 60)If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there. 62) Never handle the rat-monkey cage. 63) Your dog can take care of itself... 64) So can your spouse... 65) And your kids. 67) Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer. 68) If you're not a main character, suicide is a quicker and easier way out. 69) Your plan takes into account all possible situations...except for the one that actually occurs. 71) When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the mosnters' head. 72) Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a successful demon/devil/monster summoning. 73) People driven by veangance always die. 74) Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed. 75) Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp. 76) Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason. 77) Feel no guilt. 79) If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway. 80) If you are a child, don't panic! Monsters only attack overly horny teenagers. Children can NOT be killed in a movie, only possessed or absorbed. So cheer up! 81) If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse/S.O. 82) If you're being chased by a monster and you think it's behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you're a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you). 83) If you've beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you're sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him. 85) If you should easily enter a home that you've either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat's hair to you. 87) If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away! 91) If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity. 92) Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don't, the monster will, and sooner or 96) ALL atomic weapons cause normal creatures to grow huge and carnivorous. As do all chemical and germ weapons. 98) Always make eye shots whenever possible as all monsters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe ... and if you're reaaalll lucky... and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place). 99) Never, ever, forget to put th......AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGLLLLL!